Feeling this

It’s strange getting in touch with my feelings. I don’t remember the last time I didn’t shut myself off to myself and everyone around me. It’s weird. But a good kind of weird.

This probably wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t open my eyes to the amazing people around me, and my mind to the not-so-amazing ones. A while ago, I had decided on drifting through the rest of my life being disconnected, thinking that I’d be a lot better off, safer, not exposing myself. Cold, unfeeling and apathetic. Keeping myself sheltered and distanced from the world. I didn’t believe in anything. Not god, not hope, not love. My emotions were better left locked in a box, allowing me freedom from attachment and hence, suffering. Attachment, after all, leads to suffering.

It’s ironic how I was suffering in my supposedly un-suffering state.

Those days are gone. I’ve felt enough of nothing, and I want to feel again. I want to believe that there is still good in the world, that I will find love, that everything is just random. I want to hope for a better tomorrow, for a better world, and for a better me. And most of all, I want to love again. To long for someone, to melt at the sight of a smile, to feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

I thank whoever’s up there for giving me the privilege of being in a class full of people like that.

“Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung. And possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable…irredeemable…To love at all is to be vulnerable.”

– C.S. Lewis


Familiarly anonymous


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